Concerned About A Friend / Concerned About A Friend's Influence On Me / Question
Published: November 11, 2009
Dear TeenHealthFX,
my best friend is turning into such a slut. she gives her number out online and sneaks out at night to make out with her boyfriend. most guys drool over her. i have never had a bf..people say im so beautiful everywhere i go, but im overweight. ive never had a boyfriend..and i REALLY want one. am i jealous? or am i concerned? help!
Signed: Best Friend A "Slut" - Am I Jealous Or Concerned?
Dear Best Friend A "Slut" - Am I Jealous Or Concerned?,
As far as whether your reaction is coming from one of jealousy or concern, TeenHealthFX doesn’t think it has to be one or the other, but could easily be a combination of the two.
The Jealousy:
Your friend has a boyfriend and you are clear in what you wrote that this is something you would like very much. Since you stated that she has lots of guys drooling over her, you might also be feeling like getting dates, boyfriends, and attention in general from the opposite sex is easier for her than it is for you. There may be jealousy over the fact that she has a boyfriend and you don’t, as well as a possible perception on your part that relationships with guys just seems to come more easily to her than they do to you.
In addition, the part of you that feels jealous may be connected to the excitement part of her meeting guys online and her sneaking out of the house. There are some real dangers to these behaviors (discussed below) – but in the moments you feel jealous, you might be connecting simply to the idea of it as a thrill.
Finally, you mention that others view you as “beautiful,” but it doesn’t come across in your letter that you necessarily have that view of yourself. FX wonders if you are comparing your looks with hers and if your perception is that she is more attractive than you are – because that could account for some of the jealousy as well.
The Concern:
Jealousy aside, there is a concerning aspect of your friend’s behaviors and FX can appreciate that there is a part of you that would be feeling worried about her. First of all, it is very important for children and teens to be cautious about who they are interacting with online and who they are giving out their personal information to (such as a phone number). The internet offers many wonderful resources for connecting with others, but it is also a tool used by sexual predators to meet, attract, and reel in children and teens. Your friend may certainly be placing herself at risk if she is very casual about the kind of information she gives out about herself over the web and who she gives it to – in which case, it is likely that she could benefit from some education on how to safely use the internet.
As for sneaking out with her boyfriend at night, she could be placing herself at risk depending on where they go and what they do. If she is being sexually active, she could be placing herself at risk if she is not practicing safer sex. In addition, FX can’t help but wonder if there are any problems going on at home – particularly in her relationships with her parents – since she is choosing to sneak out so frequently.
What To Do:
As for the jealousy part of this, FX thinks that it is important for you to try not to compare yourself to your friend. You are your own person, unique and special in your own ways. It is important for you to recognize, appreciate, and embrace the wonderful qualities about yourself and to know that someday there will be a guy there for you who sees and loves those wonderful qualities.
FX also thinks it’s important to recognize that your friend is not perfect and is not leading some kind of perfect life. The fact that she has a boyfriend, but is trying to connect with all these other guys online suggests that she is not in a peaceful, happy, and contented place in her life. So try not to compare yourself to her in thinking that she has a it all and you do not.
As for your concerns, FX thinks it would be fine to voice them to her. Let her know that you are concerned about the risks of how she goes about communicating with guys online and of being with her boyfriend out in the middle of the night. If you think your friend is getting a reputation for herself, since you used the word “slut,” consider making her aware of this as well so she can decide how she wants to conduct herself in terms of the message she sends to others about the kind of person she is. The key in expressing your worries is not to be angry about it (an easy thing when feeling jealous), but to stay in a place of compassion and concern for her well-being.
You can give her the following questions/answers to read that will address some of these issues: Sex On The Net, Safe To Talk To Guy From Hometown I Met Online?, and Updated Birth Control Information.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
One out of every six American women have been the victims of an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. A total of 17.7 million women have been victims of these crimes. 
