Significant Others: Girlfriends & Boyfriends / Question
Published: January 4, 2010
Dear TeenHealthFX,
Yesterday night my boyfriend and I had sex. We've been fighting a bit because he is always telling me what to do, but yesterday he got really snippy and kept saying things like "don't be stupid" not wanting to hold my hand, and scolding me for not ordering the food right, etc. He is very short-tempered and I am very sensitive so it is sometimes a bad combination. I had thought that we worked this out and we had sex. When he finished I cried my eyes out. I know there is another question about crying but that girl's bf supported her. Mine said he was "annoyed" and that guys don't like emotional girls and I am crossing that line. Was I crossing a line? I felt really ashamed for reacting the way I did and he is clearly mad at me for it. The thing is, I'm not really sure who to be mad at. He might feel guilty for doing that to me because I couldn't stop crying and it was really overwhelming. In our long months of dating this hasn't happened before. This morning when I woke up I got my period so I'm wondering if this is just a bad case of PMS. Should I tell him that? I still love him alot and I understand where he's coming from but he says things that hurt me and when they come back at a bad time he says i'm too sensitive. Maybe I am, or maybe I just have PMDD. I really need help!
Signed: Boyfriend Telling Me What To Do, Getting Snippy And Scolding
Dear Boyfriend Telling Me What To Do, Getting Snippy And Scolding,
TeenHealthFX is very concerned about this relationship as far as how you are being treated by your boyfriend. We are worried about the following with your boyfriend:
· He can demonstrate controlling behaviors by “always telling me what to do.”
· He can put you down with comments like, “Don’t be stupid.”
· He can be punishing in terms of refusing to hold your hand over little things.
· He can be demeaning to you by “scolding” you.
· He gets “annoyed” at your feelings rather than being understanding of, or nurturing to, you.
· He continues to say things that “hurt” you.
· He is “short-tempered”
· You are lead to believe that the problems are your fault – you are too sensitive or you are just experiencing PMS.
You did not mention anything about your boyfriend physically hurting you, so we are going to assume that you are not being physically abused in the relationship. But given what you are describing about your boyfriend, FX wants to consider that you are dealing with emotional abuse in the relationship. The fact that you cried over sex and have been feeling so emotional is probably not about PMS or PMDD, but about the stress and conflict you are feeling over this relationship. You are enduring treatment from him that is hurtful to you, but clearly you do not want to end the relationship. This is an extremely unhappy and stressful place for a person to be – so we can understand that you have been feeling sensitive and emotionally distraught at times.
FX thinks that it is very important for you to speak to a trusted adult about this relationship. It is important for you to talk to someone who can find out more information about the relationship and give you some advice as to whether or not you are dealing with an emotionally abusive person. If you are, then it is very important for you to get the guidance you need to learn how to deal with this relationship where you can feel better – better about the relationship and about yourself.
To learn more about abusive dating relationships, especially what constitutes an abusive dating relationship, please read Could I Be In An Abusive Relationship? and Safer Dating Practices.
Consider the following resources as you work towards getting help with this situation:
· If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.
· If you live in New Jersey you can contact JBWS (Jersey Battered Women’s Services) at 973-267-4763. This phone number is a 24 hour confidential helpline. Outside of NJ you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) – 1-800-787-3224 (TTY line for deaf callers) – 24 hours, 7days a week.
If your boyfriend lives in New Jersey, you can offer him the following resource:
· Choices is a counseling group through JBWS (Jersey Battered Women’s Services) for male teens, ages 12-17, who have begun using abuse in relationships. If you live in northern New Jersey and want to learn more about the Choices program, call 973-539-7801.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
The highest Chlamydia rates occurred among women ages 15 to 19 and 20 to 24.
