Difficulties In Making Friends & Not Enough Time With Friends / Question
Published: August 14, 2002
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I am going to high school this fall and need some help. The fact is, I am not a good friend. I know that sometimes I am mean and use my sense of humor to hurt them. I am selfish and get jealous a lot when I am with my friends. All of my friends are really nice, sweet people that I don't want to hurt, but I just don't know how to be a good friend. Please help me so I can treat them better at school.
Signed: Not A Good Friend
Dear Not A Good Friend,
It is very positive that you recognize the fact that you are not being a good friend and want to take steps to change that. You need to ask yourself why you are mean to your friends. Are you uncomfortable around your friends and turn this nervousness into mean humor to feel more relaxed? It is important for you to try to come up with some reasons why you might treat your friends like you do, because that might make it easier to figure out how to be a better friend to them.
Regardless of why you are being mean to your friends, there are definitely things you can do to improve your friendships. You say that your sense of humor sometimes hurts your friends' feelings, so you should make a conscious effort to change the words or phrases you use. You might want to consider the repercussions of your comments on your friends before you speak. Since you recognize that things you have said in the past have been hurtful, taking the time to think about the effects of your words ahead of time might keep you from making mean remarks. If you have trouble doing this, watch how other people talk to each other and try to learn from their example. You may even want to apologize to the friends you have been mean to in the past.
Finding friends and maintaining relationships are hard work, but important to your well-being. Do not write off your old friends, but find ways to spread your horizons meet new people and expand your social network. Try and look for people that share your similar interests and goals. You may want to join an activity or club at school or in your community. This is a great way to meet new people and still keep your old friends.
Other teens have had problems similar to yours. For more information, you can go to Envious of My Friend and what is a Good Friendship?. Since you recognize the fact that your behavior makes you a bad friend, you probably know what kinds of things will make you a good friend. It will not be easy to change your ways and be a better friend, but it will definitely be worth it in the end.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
30% of teens with depression also have a substance abuse problem.
