TeenHealthFX - Answers - 13 Year-Old Dating A 20 Year-old

Questionable Relationships / Question
Published: May 14, 2003

Dear TeenHealthFX,

hi im 13 yrs old and i am dating a 20 yr old is this wrong? how can i make my parents see im inlove w/ him w/o them getting mad or making us split? me and him have never met but weve been together almost 6 months. i am becoming very close to him and we wanna meet but i dun think my parents will like that. also....we met on the net is this wrong? i call him everyday (not to mention the phone bills....) HELP!!! thank you!

Signed: 13 Year-Old Dating A 20 Year-old

Dear 13 Year-Old Dating A 20 Year-old,

TeenHealthFX prefers to look at this issue not in terms of "right" or "wrong" but in terms of whether it is healthy or not. Research has shown that girls who date older men tend to have sex before they want to, have higher pregnancy rates and higher rates of STDs. There is also a "power differential" which means that there is a greater potential for you to be exploited. Also because society frowns on relationships between adults and minors there is a tendency to conduct them in privacy because "others don't understand." As a result the relationship is conducted in secrecy, which keeps you isolated and easier to be controlled.

Our legal system also recognizes the inappropriateness of a relationship between a minor and adult, especially if that relationship is sexual. A 20 year old (either male or female), who had sex with a 13 year old, could be prosecuted and sent to jail for sexual assault.

TeenHealthFX does not see this potential relationship as healthy or having anything positive to offer you. Therefore we cannot offer any advice that you can tell your parents. If fact we encourage you to listen to what they may have to say because it

is a safe bet that they have your best interests at heart.

The Internet is a great tool but is also has its drawbacks. There is no guarantee that the person you are talking to is representing himself as he really is. Just imagine for a minute that the person you are communicating with is actually 20 years older than he says he is, has done this exact thing before with a dozen other girls and has physically hurt some. This can and does happen. For your own safety do not make arrangements to meet this person and if some reason you decide too, make sure it is in a public place and do not go alone.

You can keep yourself safe and comfortable on the net. Be alert to how you feel about your communication, do not divulge too much personal information (like where you live, go to school or real name) and maintain a healthy amount of suspicion. Using these suggestions will help to keep you from becoming a victim of the net. Use the net to your advantage!

Good web sites for teens on Internet safety are Cyberangels.org and National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. They have tips on keeping safe while surfing the web.

Signed: TeenHealthFX