TeenHealthFX - Answers - Concerned About What Gay Friend Is Dealing With

Sexuality: Gay, Straight & Bisexual / Question
Published: January 14, 2008

Dear TeenHealthFX,

Hey, about a month and a half ago one of my friends told me that he was gay. Over the past month and a half we have talked about it more and he revealed some more about waht he is going through. His parents are very strong Christians so naturally they think that what he is doing isn't good. They have also told him once he decides to have a relationship with a guy that they never want to see or speak with him again. His older brother and sister agree with their parents. He also told me that he had seriously concidered suicide over the summer. I talked to one of our friends and she told me that it was because he writes poems about death and killing himself (he did then, he says he stopped) and his parents found one. I don't know what happened between him and his parents but he called our friend almost in tears. He is the kind of person who keeps to himself a lot so its not weird to see him all alone or anything at our school but sometimes it still seems like he's depressed. Like after Christmas we were texting and he seemed down because his mom told his family that he was gay and that they agreed with his parents (about it being wrong). He also gets hurt all the time emotionally because we go to a Christian school so telling everyone wouldn't be the best idea. I really worry that he is still depressed or he will get depressed again. He is going off to college in about 10 months and I am afraid of what might happen to him or what he might do. What should I do?

Signed: Concerned About What Gay Friend Is Dealing With

Dear Concerned About What Gay Friend Is Dealing With,

TeenHealthFX can appreciate why you are feeling so concerned about your friend. He is going through a transition in his own life with coming to terms with his sexual orientation, which can be difficult for some – and on top of that he is dealing with a lack of support and harsh judgment from his parents and siblings. So this is understandably a very difficult and trying time for him, to say the least.

If you haven’t done so already, FX strongly suggests that you talk to your friend about your concerns of what he is dealing with and how he must be feeling, and urge him to seek some help and support for himself. It is extremely important that your friend get professional help if he is feeling depressed and suicidal. It is also very important that he have some friends and adults around him who can be there for him in a caring, helpful and encouraging way so he can have some guidance and support with what he is going through. So offer to be there in whatever way you can and encourage him to reach out to other trusted adults at school or in his extended family. In addition, you might also suggest to your friend that he get connected to other gay individuals in the community who can give him some advice and support in how to deal with family members who are not presenting as supportive or accepting of his sexual orientation. Many schools have clubs and organizations for gay teens - this would be a great place for him to start in terms of forming connections with others who are in his shoes.

If your friend is resistant to seeking out help for himself, FX suggests that you tell a trusted adult, such as a school counselor or teacher, about your concerns so that someone can intervene with your friend and ensure his ongoing safety and emotional well-being.

You can also give your friend the following hotline information, as well as the information listed below on how to find a therapist and what to do if he feels suicidal:

Gay and Lesbian National Hotline, 1-888-THE-GLNH (366-8288), 24hours, 7 days a week
Gays and Lesbian Teens, 1-800-850-8078, 24 hours, 7days a week. A crisis hotline for gay, lesbian and questioning youth, ages 25 and younger.

If your friend lives in northern New Jersey and needs help finding a therapist he can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area he can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in his area. He can also contact his insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers.

If your friend gets to the point that he is seriously considering suicide or is afraid of his impulses then he needs to seek help immediately. He can call 911 or go to his nearest hospital emergency room. In northern New Jersey he can also call the crisis hotline from Morristown Memorial hospital at 973-540-0100. Outside this area call the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week.

Signed: TeenHealthFX