TeenHealthFX - Answers - Do I Need To Be In A Relationship To Have Sex?

Sexuality & Sexual Health: Miscellaneous / Question
Published: May 28, 2008

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I been very sexual with a couple guys. (I have been using multiple protection- BC and condom) I am 15. I have depression and two anxiety disorders. I do not know why I am so Promiscuous. I want all the attention from these guys because when I was younger I was a bit chubby. I am thinner now and loving it. But one of my friends is saying I have been slutty. should or do I need to be in a relationship to have sex? -A girl who loves to grind

Signed: Do I Need To Be In A Relationship To Have Sex?

Dear Do I Need To Be In A Relationship To Have Sex?,

Obviously you do not have to be in a committed relationship to be having sex. But if you see yourself as promiscuous then FX recommends that you think about whether or not you are truly okay about being physically intimate with all of these guys without being in an exclusive or serious relationship. Rather than focusing on what has to be, focus on how you want it to be when you consider the following:

Sometimes people will use sex as a way to try and fill some kind of void or solve some kind of problem. For example, if they haven’t felt very loved or cared for, they may look to sex as a way to feel loved or close to someone. The problem with this, is that the sex often does not work to fill that hole in the long-run – any good feelings are often temporary and short-lived, and are usually followed by the person experiencing sadness or a sense of low self-worth. So FX wants you to think about whether having sex with these guys really makes up for what you didn’t feel in the past. If it doesn’t, then FX suggests that you find another way to deal with those feelings, such as speaking with a trusted adult or counselor about your past experiences and how they may be negatively affecting decisions you are making today.
Untreated mental illnesses, such as depressive or anxiety disorders, can contribute to people participating in certain kinds of negative behaviors. For example, one of the symptoms of depression is a poor sense of self, and very often teens who are promiscuous are often that way because of a very negative self-esteem. That said, FX wonders if you are receiving adequate treatment for your depression and anxiety, and, if not, strongly suggests that you meet with a mental health professional for treatment.
There can be a double standard for guys and girls when it comes to sex. Guys who sleep around can be viewed as “studs,” and girls who sleep around can be viewed as “sluts.” FX is not saying this is right or okay, but is pointing it out as a reality of our society that is important for you to really think about in terms of whether or not you feel comfortable with the potential reactions you might get from your peers. Girls may look at you in a certain way and not want to be friends with you; guys may think because of your reputation for sleeping around that that is all they will consider you for and will not want to pursue any kind of serious relationship with you. It is unfortunate, but it can also mean lost opportunities for you. So FX thinks that it would be helpful for you to seriously think about whether you can tolerate these kinds of dynamics with your peers.
Do these sexual experiences help you to feel good about yourself in general? FX thinks that it is important for people to make choices and act in a way that helps them to see themselves in a positive way and have respect for themselves. Does being promiscuous help you to do this or get in the way of your having a positive sense of self-worth?

FX is glad to hear you are being responsible in terms of practicing safer sex by using a condom and the pill as a back-up method of birth control. However, we also think it is important since you are sleeping with multiple partners to discuss with your primary care physician, gynecologist, or an adolescent medicine specialist about STD testing – how often to get tested and what tests to do considering you are sexual active with multiple people.

If you don't have a doctor and live in northern New Jersey, you can call the Adolescent/Young Adult Center for Health at 973-971-6475 for an appointment or contact your local teen health center or Planned Parenthood. You can also contact Girl’s Street – A Young Woman’s Health Program – at 908.522.2555 if you live in northern New Jersey.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers.

Signed: TeenHealthFX