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Depressed And Wanting To Kill Myself

Published: May 14, 2012
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I'm a 13 year old girl. I think I might be depressed, but I'm not sure. I'm sad all the time and I hate myself. I want to kill myself, I've even thought of a plan to kill myself, but I wouldn't go through with it. My parents yell at me all the time and I think the only one who truly cares about me is my best friend. I can't concentrate on school, so my grades keep dropping, which dissapoints my paretns and teachers, and it makes me feel bad. I get bullied all the time at school, verbally and physically. I've been cutting myself for a few months, and the only one who knows is my best friend. Don't tell me to talk to my parents or a school consuler or something, I don't trust them. I can't talk to anyone but my best friend, because if someoen found out my sister would make fun of me so much for feeling this way. I would be willing to at least tell my parents I think I'm depressed, but I'm too afriad to say anything. My best friend is trying her very best to make me feel better, but it's not helping that much. I can hardly smile anymore. I get so confused sometimes. When I cut myself it feels good, but then afterwards I feel horrible and I think, "Why did I just do that??" I cry every night and wonder why I'm so ugly and stupid and can't do anything right. I've lost a lot of weight lately, because I get sick when I eat. I get so tired all the time, but can't sleep. Even if I sleep for like, 12 hours, I'm still tired. Sometimes the bullies at school tell me I deserve to die and I should kill myself, and I've started to believe them. Please! Help me! I'm so confused and don't know what to do!!!
Signed: Depressed And Wanting To Kill Myself

Dear Depressed And Wanting To Kill Myself,


TeenHealthFX can understand that you would be feeling very sad considering you only feel cared about by one person, your best friend. It sounds like you feel that some of your peers can be cruel to you, that your parents yell at you more than support you, and that your sister is quick to make fun of you rather than be there for you. To not feel loved and supported by the people closet to you makes it very hard to feel happy, feel good about yourself, be productive in school, and feel energetic and motivated about things. On top of all of this, to not feel you can trust your parents or the adults around you at school to help you or be there for you, leaves you dealing with all of this alone. You may feel confused, frustrated, and lonely, and you may resort to cutting because it’s hard to know how else to cope with the situation.


While you told FX not to tell you to speak to your parents or a school or private counselor because you can’t trust them, FX thinks that is exactly why you need to talk to at least one of them – because a huge part of all the issues you mentioned is that you do not feel cared about, or that you can trust, the adults around you. FX strongly recommends that you sit down with your parents, speak to your school counselor, or meet with a private therapist to discuss your concerns. If you speak with a school or private counselor, start by asking that person what their policies are around confidentiality – under what circumstances they will or will not share information with your parents. The next thing to bring up is the issue that you do not feel cared about by many of the people around you, and that you have a hard time trusting adults. In order for you to get help on the other issues, this is an issue that needs to be discussed and addressed first. Because as long as you feel uncared for by others, as long as you feel there are not adults you can trust to be helpful to you, and as long as you try and deal with all of this alone – it is going to be hard for things to get better. It may be very scary for you to talk with a therapist about trust issues, and might even seem pointless to you – however, FX thinks that it is important that you try to open up yourself to talking about this so that you can move on and start on a path to feeling happier and better about yourself. And maybe you could even bring your best friend to talk to someone as some additional support since you feel close with her. 


If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.


If needed, you can also contact the Self-Injury Hotline (information only, not a crisis line) at 1-800-DON’T-CUT, 1-800-366-8288.


If needed, you can call the Youth Crisis Hotline, 1-800-448-4663, 24 hours, 7 days a week. This hotline is for youths, 17 years of age or younger who are in crisis


If you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern New Jersey you can also call the crisis hotline from Morristown Memorial hospital at 973-540-0100. Outside this area call the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week.

Signed: TeenHealthFX