I was almost raped by my brother and neighbor. I was 3-4 years old when it happened. My neighbor was maybe 16 years old and my brother was 11 years old the time it happened. They were friends. I remember being on the edge of the bed and lying down. I remember my neighbor telling my brother what to do like he was teaching him. My brother pulled my shorts and underwear down at the same time. Then my brother pulled his pants down and made my legs open and tried to go inside me. I had no idea what was happening but my instincts told me to run away. So I did. I remember running to the door screaming and crying. I almost went out the room, I just had to unlock the door, but they caught me in the last second. I don't remember what happened after that but I know that they didn't push through with it. I also remember going to my room and catching both of them on two separate beds under the blankets. I didnt know what they were doing that day. But now I know, my neighbor was teaching my brother about sex that day. Now Im 16 years old and for some reason this incident came back to my head. It was in the back of my head ever since but came back to me like 2 years ago. I think Im over it because I don't cry about it when it comes to my head. But when I was trying hard to remember so that I could type it here, I began crying. Me and my brother are very close and weve never talked about it. I don’t even think he knows that I still remember it. Ive actually been depressed and suicidal a few years before and right now too. Could there be a link between my experience before and my depression now? Bur first of all, even he didn’t penetrate me, is it still enough for me to be traumatized? I feel like telling my boyfriend about my rape but not about my brother being involved because he likes my brother. Ive never told anyone about this. I feel like telling someone so I can let my feelings out but I can’t talk to a therapist because its expensive. PLEASE REPLY PLEASE REPLY HELP!
Signed: Almost Raped By Brother And Neighbor
Dear Almost Raped By Brother And Neighbor,
This type of incident could certainly feel traumatizing for a young child. Your instincts at the time were telling you that you were in some kind of danger – and to feel that way with a close family member can certainly be traumatic. What has also probably been hard for you is that this terrible memory of your brother may have created this conflict in you between the part of you that cares for him and the part of you that feels hurt and angry about what he and your neighbor did (or tried to do) to you.
Since you mentioned that you have felt suicidal and depressed in the past and currently – it is definitely possible that this experience has contributed to those feelings. However, FX also thinks that there have probably been other issues that have played a part in how you have been feeling as well. FX thinks that it is very important that you speak to a trusted adult about feeling depressed and suicidal, and about this incident that occurred when you were younger. Therapy can be expensive, however, there are ways to receive help without paying a ton out of pocket. Read through some of the options of how you can get help for yourself listed below, and make sure you reach out to someone as soon as possible so you can get the help you need to feel better and so you do not have to suffer with all of this all on your own anymore.
If you have health insurance, you can contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health/substance abuse treatment providers. With in-network providers you will only have to pay a copayment for visits with a therapist and/or psychiatrist. If you live in northern New Jersey you can also call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals.
If you do not have health insurance, there are many hospitals and clinics which offer no-cost therapy or therapy based on a sliding scale where payment is dependent upon a person’s income. You can contact hospitals and mental health agencies in the area to find out what is available.
Most schools have psychologists and social workers on staff to help the students who are dealing with various emotional issues. FX suggests that you reach out to a social worker or psychologist in your school so that they can meet with you regularly or help you to obtain affordable services elsewhere.
New Jersey offers a program called Charity Care, which offers health insurance to those who are uninsured or underinsured. To get more information about Charity Care, you can contact 1-866-588-5696. If you do not live in NJ, you can contact your local hospital or state government agency to find out what insurance assistance programs are available in your state.
In northern New Jersey, you can contact First Call for Help at 2-1-1 or 1-800-HELP-555 for referral information in your area. If you live outside of NJ, you can do an online search for First Call for Help and the name of your state, as this service is available in areas outside of NJ.
If you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern New Jersey you can also call the crisis hotline from Morristown Memorial hospital at 973-540-0100. Outside this area call the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week.
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