Hi I need advice on behalf of my friend. She has been sexually abused from age of 5 by her immediatematernal uncle who is 10 years older than her At first she had no idea what was going in but the uncle would tell her that it was their special thing. He would force her to look at naked pictures And touch her at every opportunity he got As she approached her 11th birthday, her body began going through puberty and now when her uncle touched her or placed his penis on her private part she felt an arroused feeling that she couldn't explain. He would try enter her. She would cry. It would hurt She was by this time unable to speak out Against him At the age of 11 she began high school, there she learnt about sex anf finally realised what her uncle was doing. By now she explained to me he would call her over and shed feel compelled to obey and couldnt say no. For instance he'd secretly touch her down there bare -in front of everyone.. Abd shed sit by him and adopt a look that nothing was goingbin in order to hide what was happening By then she felt it was all her fault and too late to say no. He would do sexual acts on her. I don't want to go into description. It messed up her childgood. She would just freeze when he came near. It happened lots. She began thinking she's disgusting cos she allows it and feels arroused by it and sometimes goes along with it She blamed herself - she said if she said no it would never have happened She believed she was evil. However as she approached her 16 th birthday she began stating away from him, she covered all her body in front of him. In that year he molested her again. I can't begin to explain what he did. From her description I feel as though he made a slave out of her. This time she said no - but he continued. She begged but he continued. Now she's 20 yrs old - she's still not told anybody. I'm thr first person to know. I found out everything recently. And she tells me how she's disgusting and she's and incestuous beast Becausr she got aroused by her uncle Since her 18th birthday things had stopped. However a few days ago her uncle entered her room ( she does not stay alone with this uncle ever) and he did the gesture that he used to do at her before Immediately she stood up and moved against a wall to allow him.. And she said she didnt desire him in the least but this dark weird feeling of want. And she almost went crazily hormonal on him as he put pressure on her. Since then she's been blaming herself as she says she mustve clearly wanted her uncle becausr she made it easier for him. She also thinks she's vevil because he was completely normal -whereas she was going crazy by his pressure She thinks she's vile and disgusting She thinks what happebed recently isnt to do with past. It's to do with her being over sexualised and nasty. I know it's nor that. Her uncle has groomed her in such an evil way that shes become like a puppet.. He just pulls thr strings She told me, she fears how she may react when she's alone with him. When he makes a move - not only does she become helpless, she opens to him and she hates that!! She refuses to talk to anyone about it - how may I help her?
TeenHealthFX is very sorry to hear that your friend has had to endure this type of abuse for so long. We can certainly appreciate the pain she must be going through in having dealt with this for so many years. As her friend we recommend that you share the following with her:
Emphasize that what happened to your friend was not her fault. There is only one person responsible for the abuse that has taken place, and that is her uncle.
It does happen that victims of sexual abuse will sometimes have physical reactions in terms of feeling sensations of pleasure in the body. But these types of reactions of the body do not mean that the victim is to blame or encouraged the abuse in any way. They are simply physiological reactions. Again, one person alone is responsible for boundaries being crossed and person space being violated in such a terrible way – and that is the perpetrator (in your friend’s case, her uncle).
It is very important that your friend tell a trusted adult in her family. She needs an adult to ensure that she gets help from a reputable mental health professional, such as a clinical social worker or clinical psychologist, who has experience in working with people with histories of sexual abuse. She also needs the trusted adults in her life to ensure that she is not at the contact of her uncle again.
Let your friend know that it is understandable that she may be scared to talk to someone about this. But remind her that it is not her fault and that people – especially mental health professionals trained in working with people who have been sexually abused – are not there to judge. They understand what it means to be victimized as a child and will relate to her with warmth and compassion, not criticism.
Your friend is understandably dealing with a tremendous amount of pain and anger. On top of it, it sounds like she is really feeling tormented by the situation she is currently in. Let your friend know that it doesn’t have to be like this. Treatment cannot erase what happened, but it can help her to deal with these feelings so they are not so overwhelming and so they do not negatively affect choices she makes in her interpersonal relationships now and in the future.
If your friend has any concerns about going directly to her family, encourage her to speak to a school counselor or her doctor who can then speak to her family on her behalf.
Your friend can also reach out for help through RAINN. She can contact the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), 24 hours, 7days a week for help and information. She can search for a local counseling center on their website or use their online hotline.
If your friend refuses to reach out for help, then FX thinks you need to tell someone what is going on so that trusted adults can intervene on your friend’s behalf. You could talk to your school counselor or your parents so that they can notify your friend’s parents of what is going on. Again, she needs professional help and she needs the adults in her life to make sure she is no longer at the contact of her uncle. She may be angry with you for saying something, but this is not the type of secret that should be kept. You need to keep in mind the most important thing here is keeping her safe from any further abuse and getting her the help she needs.
You can also give the following referral information to your friend:
If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.