Bisexual Friend Rejecting Making Our Friendship A romantic One - Confused And Mad

Published: August 01, 2012
Dear Bisexual Friend Rejecting Making Our Friendship A romantic One - Confused And Mad,

Dear fx.. Before I ask you my question, here is a little back ground information. I am 16, and a girl. So is my best friend. For this, I will call her Ash, although, that is not her real name. Ash and I have been best friends ever since grade 6, and we are now going into grade 11. Last year, around this time, Ash came out too me as Bisexual. I was already out as a lesbian, this was good news too me, as I had this huge crush on her. I asked her out shortly after she came out. We went out for pizza, but then that was that. I thought she was going to make another move, as I had made the first, but she never did. She has never dated anyone before, so i didn't mind. A few months later, I asked her out again, and she declined. I was a little mad afterwards, but decided to give her time. A few months later, I asked her out once more. And again, she said no. This time I was really mad, I avoided her for a few days, but eventually everything was normal again. We have a very close relationship, and during a game of truth or dare, I asked her too kiss me. She simply kissed me in the cheek. Now, i was really frustrated. I've had 1 boyfriend, and 3 girlfriends in the past, I'd consider myself pretty, and this was the first time someone had done this too me. Today, I asked her out again, and then when she said no, I was furious, I asked her why she didn't want to go out with me. I did this calmly, while keeping my emotions inside. She said, because she is afraid. When I said of what, she said, I don't know. This did nothing but make me more mad. I pretended I got a text from my mother, and left. I'm still, really mad at her, and told her I had to cancel hanging out tomorrow because I got a text from a cute girl what wants too have a "sleep over" with me. This is a total lie, and now I feel bad for lying too her. I really want to just forget about her, but she's my best friend, and I wouldn't want too lose a best friend because of a stupid crush I have. I feel as if, maybe if I replace her with another girl, my feelings will go away, but would that be fair too the other girl? What I honk makes me really mad, is that fact that she does nothing but lead me on. A few days ago, she asked for me too give her a stip dance, she is always wanting to hold my hand, and she will stare at my lips when I talk about kissing, and she is always leaning on my shoulder the way I use to do to my boyfriend. I see the signs that she likes me, but I think she is still denying that she is not straight. Please help, I don't know what to do next...

Dear Bisexual Friend Rejecting Making Our Friendship A romantic One - Confused And Mad,

You say that “Ash” is your best friend, however, it doesn’t seem like that is how the two of you have been functioning lately. It sounds like there is little to no communication between the two of you about this, it sounds like you have been more angry than supportive of what she is going through, and it appears as if you are taking all of this personally rather than really thinking about where your friend is at right now.

If you want to know where you can go from here, TeenHealthFX has the following suggestions:

  • Rather than focusing on whether or not the two of you are going to have a romantic relationship, start by talking to your friend about how she feels about being bisexual. What does this mean to her, how does she feel about it, has she told her family members or other friends (and if so, what has her experience of coming out been?), is there anything about her sexual orientation that is difficult for her or that she is having trouble adjusting to? You are so caught up in what you might get out of her being bisexual that it sounds like you have forgotten to consider where this realization has left your friend.
  • Focus your energies on being there for your friend in a supportive way. This may be difficult for her to deal with and she may need time to adjust to her realization of being bisexual before she can focus on starting romantic or sexual relationships with other women.
  • If you are still interested in “Ash” after some time of being there for her as a supportive friend, ask her how she would feel about being in a romantic relationship with you. The fact is that she may not be ready to be romantic with any young women right now. She might also not want to take your relationship with one another to a new level as she might be nervous about the idea of possibly ruining a friendship if the romantic relationship doesn’t work out. It’s also possible that while she may consider you a great friend, she might not have romantic feelings for you. What you need to do is find a way to deal with these possibilities where you will not take it personally or react in such an angry, avoidant way.
  • Think about where your anger is coming from around this and find a way to deal with it. Something about this situation with your friend is triggering something in you – it would be helpful for you to figure out what it is so that you can get a handle on it and better manage your anger. You said above that you “kept your emotions aside” in talking to “Ash,” however, the tone of what you wrote to us and your descriptions of yourself as “really mad” and “furious” make FX wonder how much you were really able to do this. If “Ash” experiences you as angry or really wounded, it is going to be harder for her to be open and honest with you. So the more you can get a handle on your anger, the more likely you and she can have some open, honest communication about this situation.
  • If you continue to have trouble dealing with your emotions and handling this situation, FX suggests you speak to a trusted adult about how you are feeling. You could speak to a parent, school counselor, or even a private therapist if you would like a more confidential space to explore your feelings and get some guidance and support. If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.