Not Sure How Sexual I Want to Be With My Boyfriend
Okay, here we go: my boyfriend and I are teenagers, as well as virgins. We're each other's first kiss, first serious relationship, and we've been together since September 16th. Now, we've discussed how sexual we want our relationship to be. We've agreed that we want to wait a while to have sex, but that oral is okay for both of us - in other words, we'll use our tongues on each other, but we won't actually have sex. Now, I REALLY want this - but the whole reason I want to wait for ACTUAL sex is because I feel like my body - and especially my virginity - are sacred, and should only be shared with someone I truly love, someone who deserves it. We really love each other - and we've told each other so - but I'm not sure how "sacred" my body will be if I let him go down on me, or end up blowing him. Basically, my question is this: if I consider my own body to be sacred, is it wrong to let him do SOME sexual things to me without actually giving him my virginity? Or should it be an all-or-nothing deal? P.S: My parents care about me and are super protective, and I don't know how they'd react if they found out that I let my boyfriend go down on me. They're the ones who taught me to believe that my body is sacred in the first place, and I'm not one of those teens who's all like, "F U MOM AND DAD I DO WHAT I WANT I'M SUCH A FKIN REBEL" and I don't even want to be like that.
TeenHealthFX suggests that you focus on what is a healthy choice for you. There are many things we may want, but it doesn’t necessarily mean it would be helpful or healthy to actually do it. We may get so angry we want to hit a sibling. We may be at a party and think it would feel good to try a new drug. We may be in front of a gallon of ice cream and want to eat the whole thing because it tastes delicious. We all have many feelings and urges, but just because we have those feelings and urges doesn’t mean we should always follow through on them and act them out. There are always other considerations. What consequences will have to deal with if I hit my sibling? What will happen to me socially, emotionally and physically if I take this drug at this party right now? How will I feel physically and feel about myself if I down this entire gallon of ice cream? FX invites you to think about your urges to be sexually active with your boyfriend on any level in the same way. It might feel good in the moment, but are you prepared to deal with it physically, emotionally and socially?
Here are some things to consider when it comes to thinking about being sexually active in any way:
- How will this affect me physically? Am I ready to deal with the possibilities of the transmission of STDs or pregnancy (in the case of deciding to have intercourse), as well as take responsibility to prevent these things to the best of my ability?
- How will I feel emotionally? Will I feel good about myself or feel guilty? Will I feel happy and at peace or perhaps empty because the experience is more about sexual pleasure than connecting with someone? Will I feel like I was treating my body as sacred or not? (only you can know this)
- How will I feel socially? What could this mean for me if friends or family found out? How could this affect my relationships with them? How would it impact me to be sexually involved with my boyfriend and then have the relationship end? Am I ready to deal with those kinds of situations? Am I choosing to do this with my boyfriend because we are feeling truly close and in love or because we have sexual urges? Do I even know yet what it means to feel truly close and in love?
These are all things to consider when it comes to sexual readiness. For further consideration, you might also read the Planned Parenthood articles Am I Ready for Sex? And Virginity, as well as the TeenHealthFX Hot Topic When Am I Ready for Sex?. You might also find a trusted adult to talk to about it, such as a school counselor, school nurse, parent, doctor or even private therapist to help ensure whatever decision you make will be the healthies one for you.
If you don't have a doctor and live in northern New Jersey, you can call the Adolescent/Young Adult Center for Health at 973-971-5199 for an appointment with an adolescent medicine specialist or contact your local teen health center or Planned Parenthood. A Planned Parenthood health center is a good option if you have concerns about cost or confidentiality issues. You can also contact your insurance company for a list of in-network providers.
FX also suggests that you check out the links in our Resource of the Month: Planned Parenthood Resources on Safer Sex so that you can learn about sexual readiness, how pregnancy happens, pregnancy tests, emergency contraception, birth control, STDs and more. The more educated you are about these topics, the more likely you will make healthy decisions for yourself when it comes to your sexual health both now and in the future.
